Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Celebrate Summer: The Frickin' Solstice

Huh? What kind of nonsense is this?

I should know, I have enough eco-friendly, left-leaning, differently faithed, namby-pamby, diversity-minded, non-judgmental, Godless-Commie friends.

Back in the glory days of my post-high school youth, before I was pair-bonded with a differently-sexed significant other, and before I assumed the role of uber-papa I was a cast member in a Christmas show (much like the Renaissance Festival). Four weekends in a building (or department store) made up to look like a Victorian mansion. Street characters, stage shows, palmists, Harry Collier (I think that was his name) the coal man, knick-knacks, Father Christmas, elves, English matrons, the match girl, vaudevillian comedy, Mr. Scrooge, carols, and even a few rather nice gift ideas (I loved the candles).

In any case, on the last weekend (which always happened right before Christmas) I heard one of the quaintly costumed characters call out to the ever-decreasing number of patrons, “Merry Christmas! Happy Chanukah! Happy Solstice!”

(I capitalized it in the quote, since that’s exactly what the guy meant.)

Happy solstice? What exactly is that?!?!?!

I can’t imagine many Jewish folks actually came in. As I recall, only two people ever mentioned Jewish folks… and in one case it was a street character hawking to passers-by and over-doing it with some Jewish people strolling by. (The kid was being extra inclusive trying to welcome them in when the folks had no intention of dropping by… especially not for five or eight dollars per person.) However, we crossed that bridge long ago… we’ve been equating Chanukah with Christmas (and Christmas with Chanukah) for years. They are absolutely not in the same league. (Now, Yom Kippur, that’s something else.)

But, the fricking solstice? At least the Jews have an honest to goodness miracle attached to Chanukah.

This may come as a shock to some folks… but those eco-friendly, left-leaning, differently faithed, namby-pamby, diversity-minded, non-judgmental, Godless-Commie also include pagans. Some are pagans (whatever that actually means these days) and some are so anti-male/patriarch, counter-culture, anti-establishment, anti-Christian, hyper-sensitive, ritual-obsessed, attention-starved, spiritually-confused folks that they flock to this stuff. None of them ever talk about the meaning of their holidays or the significance of the solstices and equinoxes (equinoi? equinai?) so if there is a redemptive message in the winter solstice, you’d never actually know.

However, we mustn’t exclude anyone. We cannot have anyone made to feel like grubby little urchins with their faces pressed up against the frost covered window-panes. In addition, these anti-capitalist hand-wringers don’t realize that they are using multiculturalism to borrow Christmas to bring capitalism to non-Christians… even pagans occasionally have five bucks.

In any case, my barber shop (which is a trendy, multicultural man-spa with extra copies of Lavender magazine) is having a Summer Solstice Celebration this week.

Oi gevalt. Madonn’.

It was only a matter of time, I guess.

Look, I expect someone to badly misinterpret this post (and blame would in part fall upon me)... they are a private business. So they get to do all that. However, would it kill you to have something for Independance Day? Flag Day? Washington's frickin' birthday? Lincoln's bloody birthday?

Just get another guy in to do straight-edge razor shaves and I'll be happy. (And maybe yet another hottie girl... even though the damn place is full of them.)


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